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Im deutschsprachigen Raum kennt man einige seiner bösen Sprüche. Viele haben diesen hier schon gehört: "Ich trinke kein Wasser, da f***** Fische drin."


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A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.


A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.


A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.


A woman drove me to drink, and I'll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her.


After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.


Ah yes, she's a fine figure of a woman, isn't she? A handsome lass if there ever was one--and exceptionally well-preserved too.


All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.


And it ain't a fit night out for man or beast.


Anything worth having is worth cheating for.


Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.


Bloom, damn you! Bloom!


Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive--right, left, and in the middle.


By god, I was born lonely!


California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.


Children should neither be seen nor heard from -- ever again.


Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.


Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.


Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.


Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.


During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.


Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.


Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.


He secured a position on an ice wagon, where his collateral was soon frozen.


Hell, I never vote for anybody. I always vote against.


Here lies W.C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.


Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.


Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.


How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon--and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.


I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.


I always keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake -- which I also keep handy.


I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.


I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.


I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.


I can do anything I want to do!


I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.


I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.


I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.


I could only teach him how to juggle his books.


I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.


I don't drink water; fish fuck in it.


I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.


I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.


I had this Melanesian belle, a comely looking lass, and I was headed for the shrubbery, which grows very lush in those parts. Well, her husband was following behind holding a forefinger up in the air and crying, 'One dollah, one dollah!'


I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.


I have some very definite pear-shaped ideas that I'd like to discuss with thee.


I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.


I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.


I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.


I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.


I never met a kid I liked.

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I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.


I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.


I take inordinate pride in my nose. Indeed, I have treatment done on it every day.  My daily treatment.


I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.


I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.


I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.


I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.


I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.


I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.


If at first you don't succeed, try, try and try again. Then give up. There's no use being a damned fool about it.


If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.


I'll be down in the front row with a basket of last month's eggs.


In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.


In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.

It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.


It's headed for the brambles and we are all in our bare feet.


It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.


I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race
has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.


I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.


Last week I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.


Liberty and Freedom and Worship---there is a super-abundance of all three in this U.S.A under the law. The only people who are not being meted out full portions are the colored folks.


Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.


Marriage is better than leprosy because it's easier to get rid of.


Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.


More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.


My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.


My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whittish fluid they force down helpless babies.


Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.


Never give a sucker an even break.


Never mind what I told you--you do as I tell you.


No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.


No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.


Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.


Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.


Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it--but you can die having it.


Sleep...the most beautiful experience in life--except drink.


Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch...


Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!


Sorry my fine public servants, but I haven't enough of this nectar to pass about willy nilly.


Speakin' of the city, it ain't no place for women, gal, but perty men go thar.


Start every day with a smile and get it over with.


The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.


The best thing to break is a contract.


The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.


The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.


The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.


The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price--twenty-five cents.


The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.


The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.


The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature. . .no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.


There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.


There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.


There is Kleenex to buy for both the seven-passenger and coupe Cadillacs. One does not regurgitate and let fly a hock-tuey out of the car window and expect to hold the respect of his public. One cannot forget their Noblesse Oblige.


There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.


There you are, you little son of a bitch.


There's not a man in America who at one time or another hasn't had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

They also won't let me look at a girl's legs. I'm just looking (and) not saying anything and they censor me.

They are the igloos of the theatrical world. Even the managers in those communities never know whether to give their patrons Sarah Bernhardt or trained seals.


They never got me for the right offense.


Thou shalt not commit adultery ... unless in the mood.


Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.


Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.


Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.


Thou shalt not steal--only from other comedians.


Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.


To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.


Turn it off! Cease! Give me an ax, a heavy tomahawk! The royal mace of England! I'll smash the thing and its illegitimate fugue!


What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax.


When I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own.


When you woo a wet goddess, there's no use falling at her feet.


Why those guys won't let me do anything. They find double meaning in commas and semicolons in my scripts.


Women are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.


Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.


Yes, when the little beggar is only 10 years old, have him castrated and his taste buds destroyed. He'll grow up never needing a woman, a steak, or a cigarette. Think of the money saved.


You can't cheat an honest man. He has to have larceny in his heart in the first place.


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